When echoes do not come

When echoes do not come

Of those you thought wayfarers, peers, comrades,

Or who passed off for friends, (even if briefly so)

With whom the hopes were to share a part of the road,

It is not as though your rise from the bottom of the heap matters not,

But simply for their own darkness they remain blinded,

lost or wounded, in deep dungeons of the soul. They cannot rejoice

that another walked out of the dark and it could be a ray for them,

Instead of a life spent in lengthening labyrinths of the mind.

For such a one can there be a grieving or a loss – that a dear one anguishes?

Or someone jealous that you touched the light?

Or grew such you could take your destiny’s flight?

Can I weep over such a one, even though they cannot in my minuscule moment of joy flash even a single smile?

Or should I hold them in an embrace, a soul offers to another,

In nothing but recognition their darkness is deepened by my light

Even though I contributed naught to it, but hoped to offer a ray of courage,

The seed I sowed in the winter(s) of my soul became a garden today- in my world, for the world. From self to SELF.

Drawn from the sun, for everyone- hoping they would see

this is our collective destiny, we were all meant to be

Sparkles of stardust, crisscrossing

Amidst polarities tossing…just to become one with the cosmic-

They couldn’t see that in my light (if there could be one without them)

Hid their light and in their darkness my own.

Yet if they cannot rejoice in this light, can I still lean back

Offer a smile to their dark, knowing they can walk out

Even if they still grapple those dark corners of the soul

I long left behind.

(But alas how can I for they wave not at me any longer?!)

To “friends” who could not send even a word or acknowledgement back for my Holi greetings, in response to the simple colours of flowers I sent from my home. I who spent the day alone, stood aloof from the world and saw you all amidst your families and loved ones, as I began ascent into another dimension- rooted in the world, yet not of it.

Renewal 2022

I just changed the header image, something I don’t easily. It’s stability marks the stability of my life and its engagements and it remains stable for years. I do not recall when I changed it last but if I go back into the previous posts on this blog perhaps it would become clearer.

The image I currently uploaded was taken a few days ago in my garden. I took it with my mobile phone.

This is an accidental click because it is not feasible to capture a ray of sun this way, at least not for me. I was trying from a peculiar location to get as many flowers in one frame as it would capture.

This picture can be interpreted in several ways, least of all it is a picture of renewal- mine, the earth’s, and my home, including my decision to not give it up yet, even though time and again I want to give up this house and move into a much smaller one whose maintenance is not so challenging. This is the way the garden looked about a week ago. Even at present a majority of these are growing outside though the weather has radically changed in the last week. The spell of coolness is over and summer is already upon us, fans are on, sweat is appearing.

Interestingly in my garden some flowers come on their own in a cyclical fashion, year after year from seeds the plant disperses on its own- poppy and nasturtiums are the topmost variety for that. This picture also includes three other ways of propagation- we have planted some plants here from the seed stage by making them into seedlings and then growing them in a much smaller pot before repotting into the earth directly. Some have arrived as saplings about three inch tall in a bundle together. And the third is plants which come in packets as ready to repot smaller plants but they are mature plants already. So the methods of propagation are diverse and spread over the months of July, August, September, October and November, and thereafter the nurturing begins.

In the final days of the past month I managed to keep my commitment to my editorial team at Routledge and submitted the final version of the book manuscript as per commitment. After the little time of keeping with them, a month at most, they will send it to their corresponding team in UK where the final editorial and copy-editing will happen. It was a year long process for me to find the publisher and then finish the work, and took 16 months in all after my Ph.D. from start to finish to get the book off my chest- my PhD work in psychosis/recovery. Once published the global edition will publish first and go to all around the world and then comes the South Asian edition, two or three months onward. It seems I may get one copy in November at the earliest and the rest will be able to get their copies only around January or February 2023. Phew! What a tiresome process.

Renewal is when we return to the base and plant new seeds or when we have risen from the ground and rebuilt ourselves. In this spring a lot has happened, a lot which is definitive, meaningful and affirmative. I found a mentor I was looking for to get my work off the ground, a lady who is a very experienced person in the disability sector, well respected, deeply compassionate and extremely supportive. It is a blessing to have a person like her to mentor my work at this juncture- the work of institution creating. She has an organization of her own which recently celebrated its 37th year though she is now more diversified and plays other roles than running it on a day-to-day basis. Being with someone who has been there, done that makes a lot of sense now. And what better than a woman.

Two sides of the upcoming institute are already functioning- the music school and the counseling center and this is the year to consolidate both, take them wider and start creating the next work of the research centers. Naturally enough I have to let go of the music school personally but that can only occur if we have enough students and I can then engage someone else for the teaching who is at least as learned about it as the best can be. I am keeping my fingers crossed for that.

This truly is the time of renewal and putting the past to bed, planting new seeds or digging up the earth to bolster existing saplings, water, hoeing and removing the weeds around them. The garden of my soul is beginning to show color and Mother Nature is generous enough to echo my labours back to me. Birds are singing outside from all direction- life is just beginning as The Hansadhwani Institute starts taking shape on the ground, having remained in a cryogenic state for years and then in a smaller incubator for a few years, at least from 2017 onward. Now the baby is standing on its baby feet and legs. Onward from here…

Cockatiels or bird story 2

I have always been fond of birds, perhaps everyone is. When I used to pass by these pet shops that kept birds outside I felt very bad for the birds and wanted to rescue them. But soon I figured that a majority of those birds would not survive in the open terrain due to predators or lack of food gathering capacity. I always thought about whether it was a good idea to bring birds in as pets.

In 2017 the doubts ended and birds came- a double set of cockatiels. All my dogs were still around and in the earliest pictures Raga was to be seen showing curiosity about the new life around.

In this picture she was so curious about the birds but she had no strength in her legs to get up and stand against their cage. She would just see from a distance and then drag herself away slowly, my poor darling. This was the last six months of her life- Raga, the German Shepherd.

IN writing this post, I suddenly go back in time and I am reminded of so much that has already gone into the historical dimensions of my life. To whom do my dogs or birds matter if not me. They made me the richer for their presences and antics.

In this photo the birds and dogs are interacting with one another, out of curiosity and uncertainty. Raga was surprised to see something so small so close to her, yet not afraid of her presence. She herself appears so curious though by this time she had already become unable to walk and needed support walking.

So two things happened to this set of birds. First of all whenever they laid eggs there was no way the eggs could be hatched because I had no idea how to make it feasible for them to. And the second thing was in a couple of years their numbers were reduced to two.

The first to die one day opened its cage door and got cut within a few minutes due to the ceiling fan. He lay their dead not far from the cage- it was such a sad scene for me to witness many years ago. The second one was killed by the little rascal Flow- my dachshund, when he accidentally managed to get into the bathroom occupied by the cockatiels. The poor little bird was sitting on the floor and Flow pushed his way in.

Anyhow over time, every year on several occasions there was a clutch of eggs and they would not be able to hatch but keep rolling in the wired cage and become useless. I tried all possible ways to make them viable, from grass, hay to paper, cloth and whatnot. But the mother bird would never manage to sit on the eggs and hatch them. Finally I decided to train the birds and by reading on the internet I got a breeding box. Now the problem was that the birds were only accustomed to living in their cage and the box was too big to get into their cage. So i decided to put the cage inside the bathroom, got the bathroom door changed from a wooden to a glass one so that the birds would be visible and they would not get cut- off from the home. So though this is written at a certain pace today but all of it happened over time, in no hurry.

After several years of wasted eggs and now the breeding box on top of the cage inside the bathroom a time came when the mother bird got into the habit of getting out of the cage and climbing up to the box. I saw it happen and was very enthused with it. Soon the mother would demand to be taken to the box if I left the cage outside the bathroom.

In the last winter I sensed she had another clutch but I could not tell. I just saw she was not to be seen much in the cage and the single bird would sit there alone. And then I opened the door of the breeding box and she tried to peck at me. I had no idea what was going on, and whether there were eggs inside or how many. One day when I got close to the cage and the box I heard little birdie sounds, like hatchlings doing choo choo choo choo. I bolstered myself and with my phone put my hand at the door of the breeding box and quickly clicked a few pictures. And only upon seeing the picture I could get a clearer view of what was going on inside.

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  This little birdie discusses with her mother whether it is safe to peep outside

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  So it is four after all

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  First day in the sun, the little birds are stunned with what is going on

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  Dogs are curious about what is going on here and birds are frightened with the sudden light, warmth and exposure

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  Really too inquisitive about life downstairs 🙂 and wondering what all the parents are eating

Until such time as I saw the picture I had little clue of the numbers. Anyhow once they came out in the sun, things started to get better and we got them out a little more. That is when I figured one was disabled. I do not know if birds can be disabled too, but this one could not stand on its legs, so it was always down on its belly. I was upset to see that because that meant her underside would remain wet and there was no way she would get up to drink water or anything. I would offer her water a couple of times a day once I figured this out and even dry her lest she remained wet underneath, for it was only sitting on her belly all the while.

This is a family picture of all the cockatiels in their “bathroom” aviary, a washroom not used for anything except for housing them.

Anyways, the time when I write this the little chick who was disabled is no more alive. She died one day right in its cage. I used to cover the cage with a blanket and kept a lot of tree branches inside to ensure the birds do not sit on plastic pipes- they are not good for their feet I am told. So whenever a branch is cut in my home I look for suitable perches for them. Yet the day I am referring to when I opened the blanket I saw the other birds were shying away from her and she just lay there lifeless. That was the end of her short life. Left me heavy-hearted for many days.

If there is any comfort to be had here I draw it from the fact that at least I did whatever I could do best, and within my means. I do not know if I could have done better or more than this, without pushing myself to another extreme. And all of this was happening as I was furiously working in another avatar to finish my book manuscript.

The history of cockatiels and me goes only as far back as 2017 and also lost half by the time 2021 came. But the past year was a more successful year in terms of our success at raising the new lot- so we are now more than where we began- five cockatiels today, and counting. I am saying counting because the mother has laid more eggs and is once again back to the breeding box incubating them. But I think after this I will remove the breeding box and not let her lay any more of them, because it may not be good for her after all, for her children may want to connect with her longer. I am saying this in particular because one chick is such that it still implores the mother to be fed- and whenever I hear a particular pleading sound from the aviary I know the little rascal is busy asking for his mother to put the grain in his mouth…really a rascal I think. But I am always amused by it and touched to see the love of the mother bird for its baby.

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Kingfisher: my bird story 1

Long years ago I encountered this bird, in Goa. I did not know then what the bird was, nor did anyone around me. But I was told that possibly it was a baby bird because it sat quietly on the roof, as visible here. But of course I had no way to know whether this was a baby or an adult except that I found the bird very beautiful and it stayed with me for years, as a reminder of how colourful birds are in Goa.

I often felt wistful that the birds in the North here are not as colourful as the birds in Goa or other parts of India close to the ocean. I thought, and still think, it had something to do with proximity to the ocean or possibly the rain and the greenery around, mountains and abundant water bodies. I am certain these would have an impact on the presence of bird species- of course what a silly thing to even say! So that was it – end of story captured in a series of photos of this bird, perhaps the one solitary time I saw it so close in Goa. Other than this it was always from a faraway distance I saw them flying.

And this brings me to the other part of life, now that I am back to the north of India for years and it is already over a year that the PhD got over. Perhaps I never wrote about the challenges I undertook trying to grow water lilies. I had to ensure that the water would not become a breeding ground for all sorts of mosquitoes and for that reason I put mollies, a small variety of fish, in. This is the first season of that experience and expectedly there are setbacks and losses- which are lessons in their own right. The first set of losses is the number of water filters I lost in the new ecosystem and then the heaters- which are essential for the cold, so that the fish are comfortable there. Every time me or Rajan (the gardener) have checked the water when the heater has been fine the water has been really pleasant- not hard at all, I mean not biting cold at all, but comfortable to the touch. I hope my fish are fine- they certainly seem to be thriving. From the time I put a few of them, less than ten, their numbers are quite big now. They easily seem about 90-100, there is no way to know. But several times in these past few months I saw little fish, a sign that the medium was ideal for their multiplication. Even recently, either in November or December when the winter was already here and the heater had been activated I saw a new shoal, of smallies swimming around.

A few fish, which seem less than five, the initial ones to inhabit the tank

The tank above captures the initial lot and the fact that I put in two electrical sockets at the time of starting this new tank on the assumption it is always better to have more plugs than less. Each of these stages has been an effort- including getting the electrician to put the connections and then the mason working outside my home to cover the plug points with a tile, that I had lying around to ensure they don’t get wet and nobody gets hurt due to electrical current. Though not visible in this picture this tank also has a green border plant growing around which I hope in time will grow so much that the black borders of the tank would get hidden by the green leaves. May be in a subsequent picture it would show.

Anyhow so this was the new ecosystem that I got going, in two locations! For the second location- on my terrace, I bought another colour of water lily, via Amazon. It was a strange choice for I have never ever in my life bought live plants online but the plants turned out to be quite nice finally…though it took time to take root , but here are some of its blossoms. It is noteworthy that none of the flowers came together, not once. So each of these is a different flower taken at a different time. And one is shot at the bud stage.

Looks like I lost my way talking about water lilies from the issue I began with! Silly me. As visible here the fish grew, the flowers also began to come and guess what in time- perhaps in November I saw this mister. I of course could not believe my eyes. S/he makes a strange sound- like a kit- kit, kat-kat, more like a chiklet sound…in case you missed please look at the iron bar, where s/he sits facing the pond.

Over to the kingfisher- read about the species here

It seems as though he is sitting meditating though s/he actually watches the fish in the little pond.

He kept coming like this for days and from yesterday onward every time I go towards the garden or am in the kitchen I hear his sound. So finally yesterday Rajan was putting vermi-compost in the plants and he also saw the kingfisher. The sound they make is very distinct too. Anyhow, so right in front of his eyes he swooped down and took off with a fish. I am quite happy and relieved in my own little way- for I have helped Mother Nature by offering food to one of her other children.

One may say this is not nice that the fish should be eaten, and it is cruelty that I am not protecting my fish. If we see this at an ecological level, not that I am operating at one, but the world is- and we are all part of a food chain, and wherever the chain can be restored the broken links will start healing. If I can play a minuscule role in Nature’s garden I am so grateful for the opportunity.

Oh, but talking of food chains, there is another being who is suitably attracted to the prospect of fish in the garden. Though in this picture, which was taken from above, and noticed by Rajan- the kitty sits on the ledge where the tomatoes grow, she knows where the dogs are and where the fish, or the birds and she still can enjoy the sun in a home with dogs- look at her guts and look at the dogs!

She blends with the colours but see her sitting at the base of the tomato plants.

At least one thing is for certain in my garden, that things which were not to happen are beginning to and birds I never thought I would see around here, are showing up. And just imagine, only a few weeks before the first sighting I had seen this bird in this temple that I went to, right here in Faridabad.

The Jharna temple has a rainwater spring which bubbles in the rainy season- where I first sighted the kingfisher

Life is full of surprises 🙂 but one still has to take the road oneself.

Chrysanthemums

It is a special year in many ways, not all of them good. The pandemic fever is rising again with a new variant Omicron hovering on the horizon. All is not well around, though this form of governance in the name of medical emergencies seems to have become the new norm, all over the world. Keeping up the spirit of responsiveness over reactivity I have been gardening consistently. It takes tremendous effort, resources, tenacity and rewards in time.

Until today I have never dedicated a whole blog entry to one flower, but this is the first. The flower has been special in a unique way, though I was so bothered earlier in the year, worrying about not having enough chrysanthemums. Normally ever autumn I buy a few new plants and let grow the older ones that grow in the garden to attain their flowering heights. This year was exceptional because there was excess rainfall and no saplings of chrysanthemums were available at any time, in July, August or September, even October.

But July onward I was keen to get my own saplings ready. I had bought trays for this specifically, many months ago. In early or mid-July we put in the first batch of the saplings from the older plants that are already in the garden. Sadly enough we had so much heat all of a sudden that the two trays, having 18 or 24 plants each perished, rather withered away. The gardener was looking at my face what to do. I told him we will do it again, and we waited awhile. After a little gap and when the mother plants had a little more growth we cut a second round of saplings and put them into the soil. Rajan, the gardener also put extra saplings in pots lest we lose the trays again.

And then followed the tending first in trays, then the repotting and spreading -both in the garden, the pots, the terrace and everywhere we had planned. The repotting happened around September I think and after that we started putting fertilizers in the soil- with a lot of regularity and discipline, as I am. This went along with the pinching of the tops every now and then. We did this until end October or mid-November at most. In early December we were ready for the blossoms.

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  Growing on the terrace, which has the solar panels

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  These white ones are the biggest and this is a view of one pot of them, a single big pot

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  This bed is the oldest bed from which most plants have been derived. The flowers here are profuse and only two colours with a small number of red and orange chrysanthemums, not visible in this photo

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  Another mother plant, going on for several years, still strong

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  This is the other terrace, which has only this much chrysanthemums and even in this bed there is Ixora, mint, antirrhinum and other varieties growing.

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  The ones in pots after the rearrangement look so bright and such a joy to see upon entry in the house- the gate is right in front, though hidden from view. This year I also have an additional wonderment of gladioli growing from bulbs- visible here

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  Three colours in close proximity- all of them are mother plants

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  I had bought these plants last year

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  A view of the front lawn from one end trying to get as many colours of chrysanthemums as feasible

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  Another location where chrysanthemums are growing for the first time this year- a new flower bed, which I had initially planned for roses!

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  This is the view I have every morning when I look out from my dining table

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  These pots lie at the entrance of my home

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  The terrace on top is completely a different place now, in the last year the transformation is significant

Life has been a great teacher, and chrysanthemums this year have joined those ranks. I could have despaired for want of options from the market. But to imagine this many flowers growing right from within what we managed from our older plants is great hope and encouragement for me, notwithstanding the lack of variety. I still have at least four colours- the maroons, yellows, orange, white, and onion pink (makes it five).

The beauty about photography is that the same thing can look so different depending upon light and camera angles. So here is my bed of flowers in a photo from my phone- what deception!

There are many other things I wanted to write today or since so many new things are happening, but I do not want to contaminate this post with anything apart from the story of how I grew chrysanthemums this year, without buying a single plant from outside. Hurrah! this is quite amazing. More of the other stuff later. The sheer joy of the colours spread around, the colours of labour, thought and execution as of course teamwork.

‘Coming home’ in 2020

I mean, I changed the header image 🙂

I changed the header image after a long time, because when I put any picture on my header I believe it represents me in a significant manner. For the first time I have put a picture of my front lawn that I took earlier this morning. It shows the peaceful early morning hues that I wake up to everyday. Of course the hues, colours and light keeps changing the whole day and depends entirely on the season. And the garden that is there on all sides of my house remains a testimony of how Mother Nature is responding to my efforts in honoring her presence in my life.

Earlier this winter the same lawn looked this way, especially the front row which now has a long line of red Salvia growing, it was full of chrysanthemums. The lower photograph is the spring look of the same bed where Chrysanthemums grew in the early parts of winter.

A full bed of chrysanthemums from this morning, 24th Dec 2019

My front lawn on 22nd March 2020

Peace as daily practice (for me)

In a world filled with millions of reasons for dejection, anger, helplessness, loss, suffering and other such oddments the practice of peace cannot but be a mindful endeavour. We cannot just say ‘peace’ and not engage with it at a behavioural or action level. Only words are mere rhetoric- they mean nothing because they change as the day changes. But cultivating a practice is a difficult task, which requires us to watch each of our actions on a constant, non-judgemental, detached manner, and also change it whether it is out of sync with an inner compass of peace.

I accidentally stumbled upon the fact that today is the World Peace Day. And of course we all associate the dove with peace outwardly.  But how to cultivate such kindness and non-violence is a challenge we have to constantly remind ourselves of. It was good that I learnt of the day early in the morning and I chose to remain aware of my actions for the whole day. This was a practice of wakefulness by itself.

I happened to have a mixed day- there was a new client for counseling and an old one that I wanted to review things with. There were students of music and there was the big water issue on the domestic front that I have been struggling with for a few days now- which necessitated me to buy water for the first time yesterday and keep calling plumbers every single day- paying money everytime not knowing whether the issue is resolved or not! It is a pain to deal with so much domestic stuff, especially when it jeopardizes the work one is engaged with at the moment.  This is the last phase of my doctoral dissertation- yeah, this time also had to dawn finally. There is considerable work done and more planned ahead. I kept thinking of the idea of peace and whether everyone is really working towards that in their life, or whether it can be achieved in un-awareness.

And these are the thoughts I thought about my actions, of late. The academic work I do is towards searching for a solution in mental illness. In a world full of mental suffering perhaps the way ahead is to help people deal with their suffering and enable them to look at suffering in a different manner, or assist with changing the frame of perception. Well, that is what one can do in cousenling, but in the doctoral research my goals are somewhat different. And I think considering the violence I have faced from my university, the fact that I could still cultivate reasonably good habits, and not plunge into any depression was itself the outcome of a deep inner calmness that I have identified and learned to engage with or recede into frequently. And of course, also to recognize my triggers for anything- whether anger or hurt or pain or whatever else. I cannot say these emotions have not visited me in the three years and more I have been doing this work now. As a matter of fact, they have been frequent and regular companions…yet never could they overwhelm me or derail me to any significant measure.

Peace is not a thought for me any longer, or an aspiration– but a daily habit which needs to be practiced at every level. I cannot shove disturbance in a corner and think about attending to it when I have the time. This produces stress, and a majority of people do that- push the uncomfortable stuff out of sight so that it does not bother them for the moment. Actually it only recedes from sight, but not the mind- creating stress and pressures slowly on the mind and then body.

This is what leads to all health issues as we grow older- the violence we create for ourselves in our day-to-day life, the lies and the deceptions. And people do not even know they are deceiving themselves, at least not on the face of it. Deep down there may be an awareness- in the depth of their heart. But then, most do not listen to their heart at all! So naturally they are tuned out of themselves and their actions tuned out of any sense of propriety, peace, decency and morality.

How to cultivate peace

I cannot say that I have an answer to it already, but certainly it is a quest, how to deal with the daily violence of living in a world full of self-promoting, self-serving and self-loving individuals and not become one like them, at least all the time? Perhaps the only answer lies in awareness. The greater the awareness about every single action we perform, the greater is the likelihood that the action will be performed in awareness that it should not violate anything- neither in thought, speech or action. The greater then is the likelihood of being non-violent. But non-violence should not be confused with inaction- not performing any action, for that is sloth then!

Equally important is the way we spend our time. If we spend our time in killing time (watching TV for instance) and not producing something worthwhile for the world, which contributes in making the world more peaceful and beautiful we are shirking our responsibility. For instance as a researcher if I do not love what I do and I do it because it gives me a degree (which a majority of people in India do research for), and not the absolute love for knowledge, or making a worthwhile contribution to society- then the only love I have is for MYSELF- because I want to embellish myself with the most I can. And since my values are attached to a certain respectability that a degree gets … every act, even of research, is only self loving and not knowledge loving, not love for society or anyone else either. It is only to secure a job or get a promotion or ensure continuity in the job- and that makes the work laboured and insipid!

I feel grateful to my parents who inculcated in us a value for knowledge. At that time they did not know how deep the roots of that love were being sown. Today I feel a deep sense of inquiry and a wish to look at myriad problems with a view to finding ways out, also a great deal via research, or sharing my findings via research in the three areas I work in.

Gardening and peace

Gardening is the closest we can be in nature close to urban living, without considerable effort, and I think gardening is really an activity that  connects us to ourselves, to mother earth and to life in its enormity. Seeing the birth of plants and the completion of their life cycles season after season also tends to impart a certain acceptance of the inevitability of life and death, which makes it appear like a continuum and an endless cycle of rejuvenation, which is not such a calamity after all. Of course, the role played by my little animals is completely without parallel in this domain.

Earlier today, while talking to the new client, he happened to share with me the death of a certain person in his younger years and how it affected him. I remembered how my aunt’s death affected me at 18, and how it slowly built into a huge depression and spiralled into becoming bipolar by the time I was 20. Today I am five months over 47, and there is so much water under the bridge- and such a change of perspective, vision and philosophy. Without philosophy we are doomed, that is clear to me now.

Gardening is definitely a philosophical practice, for in an ethical, sensitive and respectful engagement with plants and what all they attract- birds, squirrels, butterflies, bettles, insects and so forth, we increase our scope to observe and meditate on the motions of life, birth/death, childhood & ageing. I remember suddenly now, how I used to sit on my porch in the village home I lived in, in Goa, and be in reverie and the feeling I had was I was watching enternity .

birds flocked on many sides too

And I would just listen to the sounds of the birds. It was serene, green and tranquil- a sudden chirp, twitter or crackle would disturb the silence and then go silent again. Sitting amid greenery and nature one sees the eternity of life, like a witness and then we realize that these things were always there- from primordial times, from the time the earth was born and life on it appeared. Only we came much later and our awareness of it came even more late. So now cultivating that awareness towards the eternal and the ephemeral makes us see how limited our time and therefore how gently, how peacefully, how carefully we ought to spend it.

It is Mother Nature which is eternal and the Earth, we are ephemeral and our time limited. So making the most of that time means bringing into awareness our actions, our efforts and our engagements with other people, and forms of life. Am I in any act of mine wounding another or showing my power over them- in speech thought or action? It could be someone who works around my home, a student I teach, a person I meet on the street, a client I engage with in counseling, a member of my family, and even the animals around my home. The choices to be violent and nasty are present at every juncture, hundred times a day. It is only by awareness of another’s humanity and our own, remaining humble not arrogant no matter what knowledge, what money or what power comes to us can we remain peaceful.

Without being at peace within we cannot spread peace around. In that case peace is only a rhetoric which is not followed by ethical practice, best epitomized by politicians (in India) whose every act is steeped in stupidity, rhetoric and self-love, so tuned out of themselves they cannot see how they violate life, civilization and the progress made by millions of humans until now.

Peace is not for  those who are ignorant, because the ignorant cannot reflect on their own actions, filled as they are with deep narcissism. To reflect on ourselves we need to cultivate peace, an aware peace in which we dare to question all our actions, without needing the scrutiny of another. That is what makes an ethical individual, an ethical researcher, an ethical human and a just society. To create a just society is the effort every reasonable, conscientious person would venture into. The rest can go on in pursuits of their little appetites, creating their mental messes that all    else have to deal with! Yet in spite of that we need to remember that even the ignorant seek peace, no matter how erroneous their ways, how short-sighted or self serving. To truly cultivate peace we have to embrace the entire world (vasudhaiva kutumbakam consciousness) and recognize each being’s quest for peace- and that is the quest that unites us with everything in the universe. As the Dalai Lama wisely says that each being wants to be free from suffering, and that is what unites us all. And that is another way to say the same thing. A beautiful reminder of our cosmic connectedness with everyone we choose to embrace in our quest for peace.

(Perharaceps had it not been for this topic I would not have been able to write a blog post at this juncture. So the next time I write another one, it would perhaps be after the completion of my dissertation- insha’allah)

Pains, plans, and gains

I never thought chikungunya was something to worry about till I got it. And today after more than a month of contracting it, I went online to check what it is all about. What I read and figured was not comforting in the least. So that leaves me with the lurking suspicion that this nuisance is here to stay. My joints are in utter pain and I am quite low on energy. By joints I meant ALL joints in my arms and legs, including the multiple joints on my fingers and the wrists and shoulders and you name it! I cannot lift my arm if I try- so I have to hold my right hand with my left one to lift the arm! Wow- never thought life could come to that. Naturally enough I cannot drive- so I have hired a driver. But wasting money on driving seems like a luxury.

So while I was (NO, am) dealing with the pains without respite (and crying out in the night due to an excess of it) and all my writing/research is completely stalled, I thought let me be a bit useful and go offer my counseling services- let health catch up. Of course one of the reasons for return from Goa was to get the non profit (Hansadhwani) off its feet, now that we are both around for long enough. So the first thing which I have been building on is the counseling or mental health arm of it.

To concretise the work further I decided to work with juveniles in observation homes and women who have faced violent crimes or in general are experiencing some domestic issues that they need resolution for. I went and met the two people who head these two different organizations- one was the superintendent of the home for the boys and the other was a police inspector at the women’s police station, in Faridabad. Among women I hope to focus on trauma, in particular rape victims and among boys there would be all sorts of issues. On the first day of meeting the two people, they pushed me to counsel two sets of people each in their respective facilities- one in the boys’ home and the police station. How much work is needed in society- if only we step out of our little cocoons we will know. For every little thing one can offer, there are so many takers. So last week I ended up talking to four different sets of people, and what a glimpse of life it was- from murder charges, to elopement, marital conflict and petty crimes.

The best way to take one’s mind off one’s own suffering is to look at the struggles of others. It offers us courage to bear our own. Of course bodily pain is a different thing than a crime- whether you are a victim or perpetrator. But the common factor lies in the suffering that is an outcome in every case. So I hope that by listening to the stories of others I would also broaden my horizons further and who knows what outcomes emerge with the dialogues that I facilitate- am certain there would be a social value addition, even if no reduction of personal anguish. But then the personal will always kill us, while the social will give us meaning. That is my hope always.

Dog crates and the Indian Rail

I am going through a distressing fortnight these days, ever since I sent two dog crates from Delhi to Margao, Goa. I had taken two dogs from Goa to Delhi and sent the crates back from there with the view that the other two dogs would come back a fortnight later, in the same crates- by plane, the way the first two (Nikki and Ginger) went.

However, even though the crates were loaded on the train on 10th June 2016, and had to reach by 11th June here, they have still to. I made them into a big parcel, having three dog crates this time- one was a hired one, from the pet shop next door for which we are paying Rs. 180/- a day as rent and the remaining two were my own. The idea was to return the petshop one, clear its rent and take our two crates and the two dogs back.

Now we have not received the crates and everyday we are running up and down to the Margao/Madgaon station in trying to see if they have come. From Saturday, we are also in a whole lot of twitter dialogue with a number of people in the Indian Railways. It is extremely disappointing to see how the Indian Railways are not handling freight with the earlier precision with which I had sent things two years ago to Goa from Delhi.

But there is more at stake here. I have cleared up my dues with my landlord and told him I would be leaving, there are plane tickets booked, and the packers and movers have been engaged to move my home goods. However, without the dogs moving out with me, I cannot move. I cannot keep incurring the expenditure of buying crates and with the railway authorities everything seems to be going round in circles.

I am worried about something that need NOT have bothered me at all, and anguished what to say. My whole day is spent in the concern of ‘what if’s’…so this is the joy of living in India, where every part of our lives is complicated for all the wrong reasons. Talk about mental suffering. Moving home is a very taxing and resource heavy exercise as it is- and the least anyone requires is the additional burden of misplaced goods. I am suffering a huge lot- not the sort of post I am accustomed to writing on this blog. I had thought that this last week of me being in Goa would be a pleasurable one, but that seems not be be the case. I suppose this amounts to a social construction of how our little joys are so easily compromised, and what need not be a source of trouble becomes a great one.

my success, not mine in the least

I should have written a new post…the new year is 31 days old after all. But this was a difficult year in the beginning- it started with me having a burnout!! of all things. Due to what? Nothing but a deep cough.

A cough brought in all the symptoms of mania (psychosis) and I had to go through the difficult passage of a shamanic renewal. All my auditory sensations returned, I could hear things from far, I would hyper react to small stimuli. So what was it finally I thought?

I am certainly not suffering from any mental illness or so-called mental illness. So how to explain this sudden tsunami of the consciousness? Anyways, what I have been writing about the spiritual basis of existence is true once again and I went through the cosmological cycle of birth and awakening, meeting with the ancestors, healers and ancients in this span of time.

When the clock turned for christmas I knew nothing, nor when the new year came. But my family was all around and when they thought I had another breakdown, and may be need to consult with a psychiatrist all over again, I said no…this is not psychosis. But the ‘symptoms’ would be the same. What you are depends upon who is seeing it. If you have a cough, the cardiologist would have a different view of it than a guava seller. Everyone has a point of view. So whose view should you refer to?

Fortunately in my case my own views on spiritual awakenings are very well entrenched in multiple domains of knowledge and this time I knew for sure it was a shamanic renewal- there was so much memory of mythology and I was back again into the domain of Gaia, Sumerian civilization, Egyptian mythology and Hindu gods, goddesses and the whole of the Indus civilizational motifs- it filled my mind with stories ad infinitum. My family was certain, it was a breakdown.

But I called it a burnout, as though the boundaries of consciousness had blurred and there was a large scale bombardment from all sides- whether the personal kept merging into the universal back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And on the personal front a lot of fires were lit, friends lost, neighbours charred and whatnot- the usual upheaval that accompanies an intense experience of such cataclysmic changes.

At the back of all this, one thing was gently unfolding- I had cleared the phd entrance exam in Nalsar, Law University and I had sent my research proposal- in recovery, what else. I had to face an interview, right on the heels of a burnout! Date- 29th January 2016. It had to be made into the form of a presentation.

I asked Ramakant-ji how to. It is one thing to write a research paper, but one thing to write a phd proposal in 1000 words. He told me to narrow the focus down from the entire spectrum of mental illness to one thing. I chose psychosis. Then he told me to think what could be done in psychosis and how it would fit into the law mode. But that I also discussed with others.

Anyways, I wanted to talk to him just before going for the interview. I was very weak, and had not studied. It was not possible to study, I could barely sit up! But I was worried. I thought hearing his voice I would feel better. When I rang his phone his wife picked up, which is quite irregular. But she informed me that he was unwell, and will talk later.

Few days later I got a message, rather a one-liner-25th January- “Improving very SLOWLY. will talk after a few days..”

I wrote- “You are in my prayers n best wishes always. My Phd interview, 29th, Hyde.Plz bless me that I clear the last hurdle. Wish u stable recovery. Gnite” (this is an sms that I quote)

His response, 26th January 2016- ‘YOU SHALL. if they don’t take you, the loss is theirs AND ours.’

On 29th January, I was sitting in the guest house with one of my former, (one course) student who is like a godchild to me. At that time I got a call from the head to go and meet her. I went immediately and she told me that the interview board had unanimously voted in my favour- and condoned the marks that I had lacked in the past- 20 years ago, i had scored a 52.6% in MA Political Science, whereas the minimum qualifying marks for phd anywhere in India are 55%. No university was willing to condone this criteria for me, notwithstanding my research record,my publications for who would support my candidature.

Finally it took an Amita Dhandha, a disability department and NALSAR- the national academy of legal sciences and research, Hyderabad to open it doors to me cautiously, by checking me at every step.

While being driven back to the airport, I called up Srivastsan to share the news. He did not pick up his phone. But when I was entering the airport he called back and I was showing my ticket etc at the door. We were busily chatting away. I told him and he was very happy. I also told him that he was responsible for my success, because if he had not invited me to the conference of the medico friend circle group, in Pune, in February 2015, I would never have met Amita Dhandha, who would never have invited me to teach at Nalsar and I would not have been there to fill in the Phd form with a fraction of time left for closing it on the last day of accepting forms (that would be another story).

There are stories galore in this one little story, but I have to hold one thread and I hold the one which has Ramakant-ji in it.

On 29th evening, having spoken with my family, I felt I must tell Ramakant-ji about it. And sending a message to him was the best thing. I wrote, ‘With your blessings, I have made it thru the Phd interview. The board unanimously agreed in my favour. Thank you so much. I hope you are steadily recovering.’

Next morning, while in my sleep I heard the phone beep. Later when I saw the message, which was sent at 4:53 am, it said, ‘The most welcome news of the new year. So much on the horizons for you to achieve. Best and regards to you mother, brave as always.’

My success, at anything whether overcoming psychosis or making through the phd passage, where the obstacles were nearly insurmountable, has never been a personal or individualistic journey. I owe my everything to others and no wonder my research will now be into how more people can recover and what sort of things can be done in the country to make India honor its commitment to the UNCRPD. I have entered the portals of law, legality and jurisprudence. WOW! life is so full of surprises.

And yet, I am not going to forget the knowledge which has flowed from Ramakant-ji- who opened my mind to the possibilities that lurk within language in how we construct our own and other people’s realities> Linguistics is going to be an intimate part of my work ahead.

I salute all my guides and mentors. My new year begins with that salutation.

I am back into university study after 23 years of studying from HOME!!!

This picture below is from the Nalsar Campus, in Hyderabad

Who knows where the road takes you from here